In Grief, We are Offered Another Chance

A chance to be a liitle more like Leila

Forever Friends: Leila, Sofia, and Me (photo in author’s collection)

Leila, Sofia, Kate, Stacey, Paula, Daniela, Amy, Laura, Sarah, Nora—these are the names of those who have graced me with their presence throughout all our lives.

Friendships make up the multiple parts of me

My friends reflect all the parts of myself, those I see and those I am blind to.

I had meant to write about the theme of friendship to coincide with Leila’s celebration of life event. But Leila overtook my heart and my plans.

This became a tribute to Leila. Only Leila.

A shared love for a unique soul

At the Celebration of Life for Leila, I saw people I hadn’t seen in decades or more. It was as if very little time had passed. It could have been our shared history, but I think it was our “shared Leila.”

It was no coincidence that in the many tributes paid to her, people mentioned the dinners Leila would host in those two apartments near Columbia University. We’d all been fortunate enough to have been a guest there at one time or another, whether it was a birthday, a departure, or the end of the semester.

Nearly everyone mentioned her fabulous dill salmon, and when they did, I could picture her in that tiny kitchen happily fussing over that salmon before bringing it out to serve.

Several celebrants enjoined us to “be more like Leila.”

While each speaker had their unique relationship with her–brother, sister, brothers- and sisters-in-law, nephews, nieces, childhood friends, colleague/friend, and student–there were commonalities.

There were stories highlighting her boundless energy, her love for dogs, passion for art (including music and dance), her compassion, and her love for cooking and their love for some of her favorite dishes.

Some broke down in tears, taking a minute to regain their composure before moving on. And some of us cried along with them. The room felt like one giant embrace. There were also funny stories and there was praise. Lots of praise.

Leila knew what was happening with everyone, someone shared, “with every friend, husband, and their extended families.” When you were with her, you felt the love, concern, and appreciation she had for you.

This could be restorative.

Decades of keeping up

Leila and I first met when I was hired to teach at the American Language Program at Columbia University. She had been there for several years before me, and she had many more years teaching experience than I did.

To be honest, I found her a tad intimidating.

Leila was loving, for sure. She was also a consummate professional and so smart. As a newbie, I respected her greatly and I learned a lot from her, directly and indirectly. That never changed, whether it was input on a lesson I was planning, or her handing over entire lessons to me.

Later on, even when she was sick, it became an art exhibit she wanted to see or a book she was reading. It might have been because she was sick. There was so much more she wanted to experience. And “I can’t be at home, thinking about what might come,” she confided.

But she clearly led the way for all of our relationship. And I had to keep up.

She shared boundlessly and taught by example. It was not only knowledge that she shared but also compassion and joy.

I left Columbia University after 15 years, and ever since then, Leila and I would reconnect after periods of absence from each other’s lives.

Sometimes it was by email.

September 2012

“I had a good Yom Kip - I went to the neo-Hassidic Jewish renewal group on 105 & Amsterdam - there was dancing and singing - it was actually quite moving!!” (2012)

July 2014

Are you working today? I hope not, but in any case, I wanted to send you all my love and best wishes. You are one of a kind, Leila, and I for one am celebrating you!

xxy,

Sheri

Thank you sweet, Sheri - your loveliness is appreciated as well!! Enjoy S's birthday - revel in the joy of having two lovely daughters!!

July 2015

Hi Sheri,

Wishing you a glorious day and a splendid year!!

xoxoLeila

PS Check downstairs...

(If you check outside your building (just to the left as you walk out the front door), I left a glass flower vase - forgot to pick it up as I was heading home...age!!)

PPS I’m off on Sunday for parts far and wide - do hope we can take a walk at some point in August or beyond...think of you often...

(To Sofia and me, November 2023)

My dear lovely ladies,

Wishing you both a very Happy Thanksgiving! I cherish your love and support and am so happy to have you in my life!

much love,

(March 2024)

(after I had landed in the ER with an episode of AFib and acquired a cardiologist for my circle of care)

Hi Sheri,

Thank you sooo much for this update. I love Dr. M - she is a true doctor - caring, thorough, knowledgeable, and wise!! She is a great person to have on your team. It's good she knows Dr. L also they can work together. Hopefully, they won't need to "zap" you. I guess the ct you need is the CTA for your heart - it's very thorough.

(March 2024)

This was sent to both me and Sofia.

To you both,

I'm off this morning to MSK for treatment. I'm scheduled for taxol, which is what the control group in the study receives. (Sadly, I was not randomized to the experimental group which uses the immunotherapy drugs.) I'm not thrilled because it's standard chemo, but since it's administered on a weekly basis in lower doses, it's "tolerated" more. I have a slightly difficult conversation to have with my oncologist, who has been hard to reach. I actually want to leave the study as soon as possible to try another trial or to go on a different regimen. My concern is that standard chemo simply doesn't have as much effect after two lines of treatment which is my case. We shall see. I was on a roller coaster yesterday of disappointment and then did more research - taxol is not so bad (except for my hair will fall out again!), patients do respond. By the end of the day, I had come to terms with it and am ready to move on and simply receive treatment with the caveat I mentioned - looking out for other regimens.

So onward and upward as they say!

Sheri, I'll be on 116th and Amsterdam at 11:00 for a dental cleaning. Let me know if you're up for an early afternoon visit - I finish at 12:00.

I also treasure our connection - it keeps me going!!

much love to you both!Leila

Our last time reuniting (again)

Leila and I reconnected in December 2022 after another couple of years of not seeing each other. By this time, she had been diagnosed with and operated on for ovarian cancer. Her symptoms had started as gastrointestinal, which is why she was always so avid about people listening to their bodies and following up on any issues.

Sofia and I arrived at the restaurant first, and Leila approached our table somewhat cautiously, incredibly thin, wearing a turban-type hat, and missing her eyebrows.

I think the timidity came from meeting for the first time after not seeing each other for so long. And she had experienced so much in the interim that I had not known.

I could have known had I reached out. It is true that COVID, my employment situation, family challenges, and some health issues had intensified my introvertive tendencies. I’d become even more reclusive.

But I should have known, and I should have been there for her. Despite the many people who had been present, had been there for her, this was something I regret.

Nevertheless, we picked up not where we left off, but from this new reality, and I was very fortunate to have had the pleasure of Leila’s company for almost two more years.

During that time, she had got me to live outside of myself and more in the world, out of that place I retreated to for so long.

With Sofia, we formed a group I named “The Forever Friends” but in some ways we were more like those trios of kids you see and think “Three Musketeers!” Leila was wise, but she also had this incredible childlike enthusiasm for planning and executing our grownup playdates.

We made the best of those precious times Sofia would come visit from Scotland or we’d bungle our way through virtual visits. Someone’s laptop or phone was always wigging out, and we’d all have to call back in.

But we took it in stride; we were so happy to be together.

One of my fondest memories of those times with Leila was after I had back surgery in February 2023. It might even have been the day after, and I was going out for a walk with the girls and Shadow. (I’d been encouraged to get out walking as soon as possible.)

We bundled up and headed downstairs. When we got to the lobby, Leila and her beloved son Daniel were walking up the stairs to come in. I say sneaking because when they found themselves face-to-face with me, they looked like they had been caught doing something sneaky.!

Leila had one of her huge bouquets of flowers in her hands, and she held it somewhat furtively until she snapped out of her shock and handed it over to me. We all had a tremendous laugh, left the flowers with the doorman, and walked a bit together a bit before she and Dan met their Access-A-Ride lift to their relatively new home in Riverdale.

By that time, she and Dan had moved from Leila’s cherished Upper West Side to Riverdale, having had to retire and move out of her Columbia housing.

I didn’t think I could have loved her any more than I did that day.

But of course I did.

The last time we saw each other

The last time I saw Leila was when she convinced Sofia and me to ride the carousel at Brooklyn Bridge Park. We knew she was going to ask, but I didn’t want to. But then there I was, on the lead horse turning around as far as I could to snap pictures of those two, and taking selfies to get them in the picture as well. We had a blast that day—a wonderful lunch at Em first, browsing the shops, walking around the park area.

At one point, Leila joined a Turkmenistanian wedding party in front of West Elm and danced with them. She was kindness, light, and joy in equal measures, my friend, Leila.

She was delighted to see my younger daughter, S, who came to join us on her lunch break. Leila did that, she brought people out. She loved our ALP (American Language Program) “Second Generation” as young adults as much as she did when they were babies.

I loved her for that and for all the other joys she brought that day on the carousel and so many other lunch dates, and walks. “How do you know so many good restaurants?" she'd ask. I kept telling her my kids did all the research for me.

I loved her for the light she brought with so many of her interests, like the Georgia O’Keefe show at MOMA; the Berenice Abbott show at the Met, and the Jane Quick to See Smith show at the Whitney.

Berenice Abbott meant a lot to us because our friend Sarah had written a historical novel based on her life that was published just before she passed. Leila studied up for Jane Quick to See Smith before we went. We had a very thorough review of the show together.

I loved her for the kindness she extended to nearly everyone she knew. It started with her family, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, including one namesake! Kindness was evident in her son Dan, who she taught to be as devoted to his loved ones as she was to him. And then it continued with her dozens of friends whose illnesses and troubles she attended to even as she herself was fighting the most destructive battles of her life.

She knew all of us so well and loved us. That love was expressed not only in words but also in deeds. Deeds such as delivering flowers by hand, exchanging gifts to celebrate birthdays, always hosting friends on every type of occasion, and preparing special foods for any occasion.

And she left us with gifts on the day we celebrated her extraordinary life. Not only did she reunite old friends, who despite the occasion, were happy to be together, she also left us with a book full of her favorite recipes.

This one-of-a-kind cookbook was put together by one of her childhood friends and is a wonderful testament to her prowess in the kitchen.

We all now share the recipes she prepared for us when she was with us. More importantly, she has passed along, by example, a fine recipe for living.

And with that, we will try to be (a little more) like Leila.

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This story is based on four Notes posted earlier this week, a special edition of the Bite-Sized Storytelling Boost’s Notes-To-Post series.